Since I was young I remember thinking that everyone had mind-reading powers except me. Everyone could read my mind and everyone was in on the plan not to tell me that they could read my mind. There were times when I'd freak out and start crying.
There was this other time that I remember crying because the world was just so big, and I was just a small part of it.
I think somewhere around there would be when the paranoia all started up, when I was young. I hadn't thought too much about it until just recently. I have been trying so desperately to figure out what is wrong with me. My childhood came to mind, and yet until today I never connected the two stories to my more recent problems. Also, when I was younger I remember being petrified of being home alone at night, a feeling that has yet to go away. And still currently I can't walk by windows if it is dark on the other side of the glass without having something close to a panic attack.
Speaking of panic attacks, I had been so excited that they were over. Now I don't know what to do with myself. Last year, at the very end of the year when everything started to come together, better yet, fall apart, I would get three to seven of them a day.
I had one last night.
I had one this morning.
I'm terrified. I don't want to fall back into the hell I was in last year. I'm just starting to make amends with life. Suicide wasn't such a strong thought anymore, though it was still there, but now it's coming back. All of it is coming back.
I'm starting to think that I really need help.
Can't tell my mom, yet. Oh, no, that would be a very bad idea. I will have to wait until I'm 18 to do anything about it. One and a half years today, actually, and I will get the help that I need. In secret, of course. My mom already thinks I'm stupid, verbally telling me on somewhere close to a daily basis, I don't need her knowing that I'm crazy, too.
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